How many times have you opened an email or read a text message, only to think, “Too hard, I’ll deal with that later as I don’t know how to say no”?
If you are like me, you’re in awe of those women who know how to politely decline an invitation and not hurt your feelings. The ones who respond in a timely manner and manage to diplomatically say no. The ones who put themselves first, but don’t manage to ruin the relationship. The ones you end up respecting more, with a feeling of, “Why can’t I be like that?”
Mid-way through , I headed to Bali for a much-needed family holiday. I was burnt out, had recently left my job and was focused on Circle In. But I wasn’t lying by the pool with a mojito in one hand and book in the other: in between kids’ sleeps, I was writing and working on our business.
Through LinkedIn, I realised our time in Bali crossed over with a contact I was desperate to meet with. Via email, we agreed to meet. Armed with a list of questions, I was ready for a 30-minute coffee and non-interrogation interrogation.
And then it happened. The dreaded, “Thanks, but no thanks—I don’t have time.”
At first, the disappointment was so sharp I wanted to cry. She was a contact I needed to reassure me our business model was sound and that women needed what we had to share. The rejection made me question what I had to offer.
Then I read the email again: “Hi Lovely—how are you enjoying Bali? Would you believe I’m not going to get the chance to see you? I’ve been travelling a lot and I’m tackling the Mama Guilt big time. So I’m sorry to say it’s not going to happen :(. How are things with you?“
And so it hit me.
The confidence. The perfectly-pitched Yes, No, Yes. She had managed to do what I always wanted to be able to: respond immediately, be polite, be personal, be confident and put yourself first. I have no idea what was going on for her (and I don’t need to know) but I totally get the ‘Mama Guilt’ thing. Regardless, she put herself first and was not afraid to let me know.
I learnt a lot from that email. We talk about the power of Yes No Yes a lot at Circle In and this a perfect example of how you do it. So here are my take-outs:
- Don’t be afraid to say no, especially if you really don’t want to do it or don’t have time.
- Respond in a timely manner. The longer you put it off, the harder it is to say no.
- Prioritise important people in your life over strangers or acquaintances asking you for a coffee or a favour.
- Practice the Yes No Yes philosophy. In other words, connect first on a positive note, then politely decline, then end on a positive and possibly an open ended question (such as above … how are things with you?)
If you need some polite ways to decline, here are some great examples:
- I’m really sorry I can’t help you, but I would love to recommend someone else
- I wish I could help you, but it is just not possible right now. Thank you for thinking of me.
- I’m really sorry, but I have promised myself that I would say ‘no’ when I realistically can’t meet your expectations/deliver.
- I promised myself that I would commit my time to [insert project.] That’s what is important to me right now and I need to stay focused.
- Thank you however, I have just committed to 3 other priorities and this is not something I will be able to fit in. I can help connect you with some other women if you like?
So there it is. Easy.
We should all do it more. The juggle is real and we need to prioritise and put ourselves first. Always.
Give it a go, and I promise that you will surprise yourself and probably feel pretty damn good.
Written by Jodi Geddes, Co-founder of Circle In.